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The Monty Python Cheese Shop Sketch:) (+++)
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Дата: 04.03.04, @17:45
SCOUT: Good Morning. OWNER: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium! SCOUT: Ah, thank you, my good man. OWNER: What can I do for you, Sir? SCOUT: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through "Scouting For Boys" by Robert Stephenson Smythe Baden-Powell, and I suddenly came over all peckish. OWNER: Peckish, sir? SCOUT: Esuriant. OWNER: Eh? SCOUT: 'Ee, Ah wor 'ungry-loike! OWNER: Ah, hungry! SCOUT: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Scouting activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles! OWNER: Come again? SCOUT: I want to buy some cheese. OWNER: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player! SCOUT: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse! OWNER: Sorry? SCOUT: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too! OWNER: So he can go on playing, can he? SCOUT: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man. OWNER: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like? SCOUT: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester. OWNER: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir. SCOUT: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit? OWNER: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday. SCOUT: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please. OWNER: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning. SCOUT: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese? OWNER: Sorry, sir. SCOUT: Red Windsor? OWNER: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down. SCOUT: Ah. Stilton? OWNER: Sorry. SCOUT: Ementhal? Gruyere? OWNER: No. SCOUT: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance. OWNER: No. SCOUT: Lipta? OWNER: No. SCOUT: Lancashire? OWNER: No. SCOUT: White Stilton? OWNER: No. SCOUT: Danish Brew? OWNER: No. SCOUT: Double Goucester? OWNER: No. SCOUT: Cheshire? OWNER: No. SCOUT: Dorset Bluveny? OWNER: No. SCOUT: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson? OWNER: No. SCOUT: Camembert, perhaps? OWNER: Ah! We have Camembert, yessir. SCOUT: (suprised) You do! Excellent. OWNER: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny... SCOUT: Oh, I like it runny. OWNER: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir. SCOUT: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah! OWNER: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir. SCOUT: I don't care how blinking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed. OWNER: Oooooooooohhh........! SCOUT: What now? OWNER: The cat's eaten it. SCOUT: Has he. OWNER: She, sir. (pause) SCOUT: Gouda? OWNER: No. SCOUT: Edam? OWNER: No. SCOUT: Case Ness? OWNER: No. SCOUT: Smoked Austrian? OWNER: No. SCOUT: Japanese Sage Darby? OWNER: No, sir. SCOUT: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you? OWNER: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got-- SCOUT: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess. OWNER: Fair enough. SCOUT: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale. OWNER: Yes? SCOUT: Ah, well, I'll have some of that! OWNER: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name. (pause) SCOUT: Greek Feta? OWNER: Uh, not as such. SCOUT: Uuh, Gorgonzola? OWNER: no SCOUT: Parmesan, OWNER: no SCOUT: Mozarella, OWNER: no SCOUT: Paper Cramer, OWNER: no SCOUT: Danish Bimbo, OWNER: no SCOUT: Czech sheep's milk, OWNER: no SCOUT: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese? OWNER: Not *today*, sir, no. (pause) SCOUT: Aah, how about Cheddar? OWNER: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir. SCOUT: Not much ca--It's the single most popular cheese in the world! OWNER: Not 'round here, sir. SCOUT: and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah? OWNER: 'Illchester, sir. SCOUT: IS it. OWNER: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manusquire. SCOUT: Is it. OWNER: It's our number one best seller, sir! SCOUT: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh? OWNER: Right, sir. SCOUT: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'. OWNER: I'll have a look, sir... nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno. SCOUT: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it? OWNER: Finest in the district! SCOUT: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please. OWNER: Well, it's so clean, sir! SCOUT: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.... OWNER: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir. SCOUT: Would it be worth it? OWNER: Could be.... SCOUT: Have you --SHUT THAT BLINKING BAZOUKI OFF! OWNER: Told you sir.... SCOUT: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger? OWNER: No. SCOUT: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me: OWNER: Yessir? SCOUT: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all. OWNER: Yes,sir. SCOUT: Really? (pause) OWNER: No. Not really, sir. SCOUT: You haven't. OWNER: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir. SCOUT: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you. OWNER: Right-0, sir. The Scout takes out a gun and shoots the owner. SCOUT: What a *senseless* waste of human life. |
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